I am so fucking stressed. It is not even funny. I have mixed feelings. I am crying and I dislike all. Blazer is upset at me for a really childish reason. Sothe makes me feel like shit big time and now. I am not sure to pull the trigger or not.

Sometimes. I just want someone to fucking shoot me.

¬____¬

Wow. I feel so stupid right now. I asked Dan out yesterday. And guess what? He said no obviously. I mean. Do not get me wrong but..I all most started to cry. I really did like him. He told me if we lived close by, that he would date me in a heart beat. He also said he rather dates liars than well-mannered females like myself. I mean........why? What did I do? This is causing me to be very hostile, very vulgar. A little thing will set me off and simply dislike everyone. I warned Tino about it on Shrine. But I am not sure about my MSN contacts.

Ugh. I am very very very stressed now and ten times depressed. Rejected. Shot down. My life is terrible. If it was not for the distance. Then we could of done something together. But...ugh....I am on the edge of crying my heart out and just not speaking to anyone. But that is what I do when I come online. To speak to people about 'feelings' and 'compassion'. You try with a broken heart. I really am not going to date anymore. I dislike it. I dislike getting a broken heart because of distance or the other person liking someone else. Why me?

Yesterday I all most bursted out on someone because of my mixed feelings. I was so stressed yesterday...Bidwell makes me feel like a total unintelligent being there. Like...That should was made for retarted folks like myself. Sure, the teachers are very friendly, but it makes me feel like a total idiot. I barely know anyone and I can barely speak out of my whispers. The work is easy. At lease for now, it is very easy. But the teachers...I cannot help but feel like a piece of trash walking through the walls viewing others whom are in the same position. Worst of all. Yesterday there was a fire close to my school. Making the air terrible to breathe. Which worsten my mood. I wanted to kill someone who tried to make me smile. I have not smiled at all in...forever. I am sick of it all. Plus I have some guy that actually likes me whom is very distant and does not get off my back.

Ugh. I blew off a few Gaia Online friends yesterday as well. I was so sick, I was so depressed. I was not myself. Not at all. I nearly got into a verbal fight with someone even though they were joking and I was not. One of my closest friends on Gaia, I call her Marthie. or simply Marth. She kept trying to call me yesterday but I did not bother to pick up at all. I was...so down. So sad. And to get this in my face because of freaking distance? ……

I do not know. I know I am speaking nonsense here as I am rushing to type this and getting ready for school at the same time. But why does God, even though I do not believe in him have to take his anger out on me? I just want to do one good thing in my life before I disappear forever. Meaning, never logging noto any sites. Not even bothering to get on the internet because of childish dramas. Which brings me to my next subject on my mind. The suicidal talk I had with Alex yesterday

We were speaking on MSN yesterday. Talking about how I was feeling so bad and how my nightly depressed returned although it seems to move onto the middle of the day now. While talking about it. I was picking at my finger and it started to bleed. To prove that I was not kidding, I snapped a photo of it on my phone. Uploaded it and showed it and that is how our talks about death began. I told him I rather die with a shot gun blast to the face. Quick and painless. He said he wanted to die by being shot in the arm and dying of blood loss. Eventually our conversation so very...abyss. I rather not talk about what we did. As we were very serious and all. After our small talk about that. I told him about the situation with Dan. He simply told me: Tell him now, you will never know.

Actually, I do know. And the truth of it breaks me in half. This is why I act like Soren. This is why I feel like him too. Sure he had no family in the beginning but he disliked all for it. I dislike everything as well. I have all ways somewhat spoken the truth before 'being' him. I do not need love. The only thing I need is a rose and a bed for me to lay on to die.

It's so safe to play along
Little soldiers in a row
Falling in and out of love
Something sweet to throw away.
I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live.

One: After yesterday. With my friends speaking about Sailor Moon while we ate. I thought about it. Watched the first ep. on Youtube and it brought back so many memories of me as a child going crazy over some girls whom can transform. Now I downloaded the original theme music in English and Japanese.

Two: I do not think love is something I need anymore. But someone is changing that…Hmm. I do not know. Sigh. Life is far too much for this little mage.

Another thing, someone is RPing with me on Gaia Online. Soren x Marth any one? :s

I will give full details about my friend's 'game day' in an hour or two. Right now. I just want to think about the memories of Sailor Moon. …

I am very tired. Working on member icons for Rogue Base is killer on me. This is all I have to say:

~{Canus - Helix}~ says: (04:27:47)
ah good girl
~{Canus - Helix}~ says: (04:27:54)
go get some sleep, and dream of ike on soren love

Friend on MSN. Oh, is he not the nicest person whom dislikes my obsession with Ike and Soren.

Oh, I have something that I found funny. But I will post that later. As a sage needs sleep. Good Night.

Rumors, I dislike them greatly,
As they only bring sorrow and dispair,
Rumors, I dislike them greatly,
As I am the only one, lost in this lair.

I dislike them. As I doing my usual activities online. Talking to others, while gaining ideas for others. I went to go check my phone. Which was located on my bed. I noticed I had seven miss phone calls, several text messages, and a few voice mails. I ignored the voice messages, and the missed calls. And checked my texts. It was not long that I have been in this rushed state. Someone had sent me a text message stating that someone is spreading rumors about my ex boyfriend and myself. And personal things we have never done. This alarmed me greatly. I texted back the person whom sent me this and said it was a male whom did not parwell with my exists around him or his friends. I told the person that sent me the text that I would call the local authorities on him. As this is not right at all. I rushed and told them not to reply back, not to spread this to others.
Being the idiot friend, or former friend he was. He did. I recieve several texts later asking about this rumor. I did not answer. I nearly screamed at this former friend on the phone to who he told and all. I told him I was going to kill him and his friends for this. I also said I meant it. Which is always a bad thing.

I am very hasty right now as I have no idea what to do. I am clean. I dislike my ex strongly and hurt myself gradually for every waking moment someone brings him up. I want…I want death.

Interesting title. Yes. I guess this time I have a lot to write about. Let me recap my last two days. They have somewhat boring moments. As well as depressing ones. You will never get a happy ending from me. Never. Let us start.

Friday. I woke up around eight in the morning to be correct. Went on my laptop, first went to a local radio station's website. I clicked an option to listen online and I was. I was on, posting, doing my usual things. Checking e-mails, comments, MS, forums, and looking up interesting news to put on a fake smile. About two hours later my mother wakes up. Goes insane and puts me to little meaningless chours. I do them, and then hop back on the computer. I recieve a phone call from a real life friend saying that the movie–that he changed the time from 5:50 to 3:10. I was surprized. Rushed the call. I mopped around the house to find a towel. Still rushing to get ready. I wanted to get there early to play some Arcade games. Went downstairs to the downstairs bathroom. With my laptop in hand. I placed my laptop on the toilet seat. Put on some game music. Removed my clothing and hopped in the shower. Ten minutes later. I got out. Tried my hardest to dry my hair with a towel. Then blow drying it. It took about twenty minutes. Keep in mind that it is now 1:40. I put my clean clothing on. Ran upstairs to grab my phone and iPod. Put on my headphones and walked to the movie theater. The walk was about twenty minutes long.

When I got there. It was somewhat empty. I noticed that a few people working there looked like people I go to school with. I went up to one person and said their name. They knew whom I was. I put on a fake smiled and asked how all was. We had a short lived conersation. I waited ten minutes before playing a game. It was 2:20 now. I exchanged a dollar for four tokens. I played Time Crisis Four. I was at the end of the stage when my friend whom called earlier called again to ask where I was. I told him I was in the arcade. He said all right and hanged up. I turned to see him from the glass door. I could see him. Still playing and focusing on the game. He came up to me and said: 'Hey Soren, want to play DDR after?' I looked at him and refused. I watched him insane. For a big person. He was pretty good. It was not long when my two other friends came. One brought their sister. We bought some sodas, and candies–– A large soda and sour candy cost me

9.00

.

No seriously, it cost me nine dollars. I walked with the only change I had left. seventy-five cents. My friends and I walked to the theater. Note that I still had my iPod on. The theater was packed. So we sat in the second very front row. During the previews my friend whom wanted to play DDR with me said a comment that made everyone laugh. I refuse to listen and played on my iPod.

Half way through the movie. I almost fell asleep. But someone nudged me. So I was awake still. Still playing on my iPod. I stopped when the final fight sence happened. I ignored all of what it was happening and what my friends said. When the movie was over. My friend and her sister wanted to go to Taco Bell to grab some tacos. We went, we got the food. The other two wanted McDonalds. We also went and got their food. All sat there eating. The friend whom went to Taco Bell had to go. She left. So it was the three of us. We walked to a local Longs Drugs. Which is about a three minute walk from the McDonalds. We walked around buying nothing and left. We passed the theater again to see that there was a line for Dark Knight. We also noticed we saw three friends. Spoke a bit and bidded our farwells. We walked to my house. The one that wanted to play DDR wanted to play ROCKBAND as well. We got to my house. I hooked up the XBox in my sibling's room. And we played from there. It played until 9:30. Since his parents came then to pick him up. Funny that the last song we did– When You Were Young; We both got one hundred percent on it. I did Guitar on expert, and he did Vocals on expert. We high-fived and he left. My older sibling wanted to play Mass Effect and he did. He asked me to watch his daughter–my niece. I did. But I fell asleep around 11:54. She did as well.

Next morning, yesterday. My mother flicked me on the head asking why I slept in my sibling's room and then left. I have no idea when that happened. But I went back to sleep. I woke up for good around 11:40. I was pretty upset that I woke up at this hour. Why? Because I love the mornings. They calm me down as tell me that today will be a good day for once. All I really did yesterday was stayed online. Sothe asked me to do something for him since he could not figure it out himself. I did his deed. We had a small conversation about me being Administrator on his forum. I refused to listen. He said he would though once we had twenty active members. Fast forward to a few hours. DarthPieman asked me from Shrine to play ROCKBAND. We did so. He actually spoke. Sounded quite different from what I expected. He was still him. So I did not care that much. After we stopped so he could watch his anime shows. I hopped back on the computer and this is where I am today. Still on, no sleep. I will probably sleep around eight or eleven am. Who knows. But this is pretty much my two days.

I also asked Sothe to have my children and marry me. He said yes. I feel lucky, somewhat lucky. Our wedding will occur on September first. Sure it is a long time. In reality, days will pass fast and we will be married as Ike x Soren. Cute is it not? I feel like Sothe is the only one who understands me. Next to Danielle and Darth. No matter. New members on Shrine / other places. New people assume they call me a 'friend'. Time changes. It has changed me.

The only two true people that I call my friends are Sothe and Danielle.

I thank you so much…for understanding the cruelty I have to face everyday…

Lately. I have been in that typing mood. I am also writing this good fan fiction about Soren and Ike. In my eyes, it seems wonderful. I already have about six pages down since I started. The thing is that I lack in detail. And I have much trouble with that. I must of gone back several times adding little details to this, or huge ones to that. I want this fan fiction to be perfect. I want it to be the best it can be. I like writing. Details was one of my favourites. Now it coming a curse to write them. If you want a brief summary about my fan fiction. I will gladly share it with you.

The fan fiction takes place a few weeks after Crimea has been taken back by the rightful owner. With a little help from Ike and his mercenaries. Well. After that. They are repairing all. The repairs have been a tad slow since the lack of supplies. Ike has disappeared during the dark hours and returns when the sun rises. Mercenaries of his as well as Crimea folk has been wondering where Ike is. Ike is on the second highest level of Crimea, sitting on a roof and watching the wind briss his hair. Soren, whom wants to confess his feelings for him. Yes, he does have feeligns but he will remine in character. He eventually finds Ike and trys to tell him. Then things take a turn for the worst.

If you want to know what happens next. You have to wait until my fan fiction, at lease chapter one is finish. But I am done for today I guess. I am going to go read my Yaoi FE fictions and then get some ideas to put into mine.

[Life]
Apparently, my air has been fixed. A reason to smile.

[Work]
I have been slacking off like crazy lately. It takes me awhile if I want to create something in GIMP. I guess this is just usual me and that I always do this. My graphic skills are improving greatly. I intend to take bigger projects now. Something I feel great about is this layout I created for myself for my myspace. I got everything right but I messed up on the contact table. No matter. It came out perfectly and I expected it to be terrible. I think I am going to take more lessions about digital art along with Role Playing. I also created the banner Tino rightfully won on Real Ends. felover has been pressuring me to create a leader and such for my country that I rule. Thing is, he knows I have poor skills. Laughable ones actually. But I am still going to try. I will not give up.
I also think only two people on the Fire Emblem forums I go to assume that they are my friend. In Example, Nolita from Radiance and Sothe from both Radiance, his own forum and Shrine. I thought though the first thing I joined Radiance that I would meet nobody and that I would be a no life whom sticked at the forum for more than twenty four hours. But people actually like who I am. This makes me smile as well. Not a true smile. But indeed a small one that makes my morning.

[Life]
My air is being fixed on Friday. No more 100+ in my house. This makes me smile, only a tad bit.


[Internet]
Yesterday, Nolita on Radiance posted a 'Post your pictures and recieve comments here' topic. I post several photos of myself. I dislike myself dearly. I barely like anything I am. I have a poor personality, and very low self-esteem. When I am commited to things, I am. But life isn't one of them. It just watches me suffer. I feel useless. Radiance members say I have natural beauty, that I have a glow that is hard to find. I think they are telling me false statements. But when they mean it, I guess they do. Heh, sometimes. Life isn't fair. I hate this. If I don't cheer up, It is only getting worst. Some of the guys said I was okay. Sothe said I was cute which I walked back slowly... But meh. Who knows. Life changes and so shall I.

[Life]
There is not much to report but my family is having serious money issues and the air broke. Meaning it will be over one hundren degrees in my house the next few weeks.

[Work/Internet]
Well this is wonderful. Sothe deleted me from his forums. Apparently it was an accident and he did not mean it. Though I find it hard to believe from reading other facts about him on Radiance. That and what I have heard. I just do not understand though. Why me? What did I? I did nothing and yet I get this shoved in my face. I was in a meloncholy mood before, and I still am. This is starting to bother me a bit, more or less confused about the situation. Things could get worst, and he did tell me he was truthfully sorry over PM on Shrine. I help, and yet people do not need my help. I feel like a real life Soren. I am upset and disliking about everything.

[Life]
Yesterday was Fourth of July. I did not like it at all one bit. My mother dragged me to some parade in another city about fifteen minutes away. I really did not want to go there, and I dislike it. When my mother was offering Japanese food, and she was willing to pay. I was a sucker for it. When my family and I got into the city where the parade was being held. We parked near the a movie theather. My mother and my aunt-in-law as you could say ditched my siblings, my niece and cousin, including I. We were looking for a bag where we had our supplies. Such as water and some fruit snacks. We started moving and ended up in front of a pet store. Near the parade. My sibling phoned my mother several times and she did not answer. Eventually she called back and said they were at. She said she was at the town main park. It took us about ten minutes to get to the park. A few street lights did not pose a problem as the police of the town closed a few roads. The people on the other hand, was all over. Making it impossible to move. We crossed the street, and pasted a Gas Station. My older sibling spotted her. My little sibling did not want to go with her in the parade. I was forced to go and stay with her for the rest that time. I screamed her name a few times. She did not answer. When I walked up to her, she finally saw me and waved to my siblings. The cousin and niece stayed with my siblings. It was just my mother, her sister-in-law and myself.
The parade was boring in my say. Many people dressed in red, white, and blue. Mainly red. My mother works for a hospital. Which is the reason why she wanted to do this. I held quietly to myself. Waving to the small children whom seemed that Fourth of July seemed like a life time. I was text messaging as well. My mother took my phone and demanded that I would wave. I waved little as possbile. With half of my hair covering my face and wearing a red cap with the Ecko logo on it. I did what I could. After we went around the block, We ended up infront of the pet store. I wanted to eat now. But my mother was interested in watching the other floats and such pass by. Eventually the sun got to her and we headed to the Japanese Restarant.
The food was amazing as ever. I have not had Japanese food in a while. Which made it even better. My mother did not like me using chopsticks. She would refer my eating style as you are turning into one of them. This bothered me. She did not care how I ate since I was a child. I ignored her. When we finished, I took some food to go. We walked to where the car was. It was this old gray truck with a bed, covered. She drove and my aunt-in-law sat next to her. I sat in on the bed and played with the sound woofers. I asked my mother for my phone and she gave it to me. I was listening to music on it while drowning the words of that woman.
Finally home. My siblings were with my father. Whom lives in the town where the parade was held. I hopped on the computer. While my mother asked me to wake up her at 20:00 [8:00 pm] so we call can see fireworks. I said alright. It was three pm when we returned.
Seven-fourty-eight read my iBook's clock and my mother was up and ready to go watch the fire works. I did not want to go as I knew that people on my street will be lighting them. Prodiving that I have a perfect view. She nearly dragged my hair. Then she said she did not care and left with her sister-in-law. I was upstairs. I was dazed. I must of probably stood there for a good ten minutes. Then realizing I was home alone. I loaded up ROCKBAND on my XBox 360. Sang a few songs, did a small dance for each. I turned off the console and walked up stairs. The sun was setting down then. I heard fire works from outside, knowing that I was right.
I watched a few before getting back on. It might of been twenty minutes later where it was darker than before. I heard more fireworks and I saw some being shot into the sky. It amazed me as I have not seen fireworks in about two years.
It was almso ten pm. My mother returned home with evryone else. She was very upset, reason regarding that she lost her phone, or someone might of stole it. She yelled at me because she though I made her lose it. Which was not possible in any way as I did not go with her. She cooled down an hour later and went to sleep. I went to sleep myself around two am. I was instant messaging my close school friend.
It was morning--Today. I got on and she did not say anything to me until one pm. That is rare for her not to say anything to me. But it did not matter. I was happy. And I am right now. I wished for a quiet day today. and I am getting my wish.

[Work]
I am currently working on Sothe's request for group icons. Similar to Tino's. But with a few changes. He asked if I used official art. Which I did not agree to, at lease in my thoughts. It takes me awhile to resize the official art. I rather used map sprites as they are very easy but he asked for this. I cannot let him down. I guess we are maybe..good friends? Though I do not consider anyone yet on Radiance or Real Ends to be my friend. Maybe a few people might be, not exactly though. Nolita on Radiance is creating a new banner. I have seen it already. Her skills put mine to shame. Though she is quite kind and gave me some tips. I feel like I was useless when all like her skills better. Then I realized. I have done a lot more than creating images. There is always a bright side I guess.
I am worried though about those talks Radiance Administration and staff are having about me to be promoted again to Administrator. I know many things about the Admin CP. I just never could get the amount of members Radiance has. I am worried that I will mess up, get others on my back and being called the worst administrator ever. A few say I possess that Administrate feel. Although I question their judgement I refuse to say anything terrible about their opinions.
Jumping back to Sothe's request. It might take me a full day to complete these, even if GIMP wants to be on my side. I am working slowly and steadly. But objects and distractions are getting in my way. This will not stop me. Nothing will not when I am committed.
One last thing before I am for today. If I ever do get promoted to Administrator, I pray that I do not mess up. Or else I will end up disliking myself more than usual.